“I know he checks all these boxes, but whose checklist?”. 

Those words hit me like a pile of bricks. I tried so hard to convince myself to like him. I thought he’d be good for me, because that's what everyone told me. 

I feel like no one really speaks about this. We speak about getting rejected, your crush not liking you back, and relationship betrayal. But no one talks about how hard rejecting someone can be. It’s a special type of pain, rejecting someone you know would be good for you but you just can’t bring yourself to like.

And I’m not talking about those who don’t try. I agree, love can grow. Go on a few dates, have a few sleepovers, and give each other a few romantic gestures. Give it a shot, why not? But it sucks when you already did that, and still can’t push the feelings. 

You see him, and don’t feel much. Anything actually. But bells start dinging, because maybe he’d be good for you. He’s smart and nice, attractive enough. You start speaking to him, and still feel nothing. You can tell he’s kind and bubbly, but you don’t like bubbly. You never did. But he would never get mad at you or disagree with your thoughts. But no one wants a bitch as a boyfriend either. 

Your mom found out about him, through an instagram photo…I think? Either way, she was so adamant on you going for it. “He looks so sweet and handsome,” which was definitely a first. For her sake, you really tried. The last thing you want is to end up like those “leftover girls filled with regrets” in their thirties. It’s funny, you never thought something like that would come out of your mum’s mouth. But something switched when you turned twenty-one. 

You imagined yourself holding his hand, but you just wanted to let go. You imagined yourself hugging him, and you could hardly do it. The thought of kissing him makes you sick. You even went as far as to imagine a life with him, as a husband and father of your kids. Your stomach did turns at the thought of it. You’d rather never get married and have kids alone. 

The worst part is that during this period of forcing feelings, you knew he liked you the whole time. You tried so hard to do something he just naturally felt. Everytime you two talked or hung out, you knew it was the highlight of his week. But you just wanted it to end. You knew every time he made you laugh, he felt like the man of the hour. But you knew you had to force that one out. Everytime he touched you, he was filled with excitement. But you physically recoiled.

Then the day of dread finally arrived, he admitted his feelings to you. You saw it coming – a few people did. You just really hoped it never would. You prayed he wasn’t into you. But then he fucking was. 

The emotions you felt were confusing to say the least. No part of you wanted him, but you also had so much fear in the regret you’d face. What if – in a few years – you regret not choosing this guy? This perfect guy that you hate being near but everyone wants for you. 

The next few days were odd. You were battling one half that wanted nothing to do with him and another that felt like she had to. What was your mum gonna say? What was future you going to say? 

But then you see this quote while walking through the popup market: 

“I’m looking for a love that feels right, not just looks right”. 

Now, you are not someone who cares for quotes or stupid cliches. You are very practical and logical. You like to believe everything is a choice and everything happens for a reason. And, you know what, maybe that logic led you to where you are now. This sick feeling you get is your gut telling you something. Maybe he’s not as nice as you think he is, or maybe God is telling you your future can’t be with him. It doesn’t matter. This love does not feel right. It just looks like it should.

But it's a little bit heart breaking. But also a bit…cocky? Maybe this is why people don’t talk about it a lot. It's harder to see the side of the heartbreaker, rather than the heartbroken. But I think that just comes from seeing the heartbreaker as irrational. “They don’t know what they’re missing” some might say. You know what, maybe I don’t. Maybe he’ll be rich and his wife will never work a day in his life. Maybe he’ll show loyalty that most people won’t get to see in their lifetimes. Maybe he’s gonna be the most amazing husband in the world, who would move heaven and earth for the woman he loves. This woman is going to be luckier than stars can count. But I am so fucking happy I won’t be her. I’m just not meant to be, and I’m so okay with that.